I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
