I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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