I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
