why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
where are you?
Hypothermia
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
