do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
