her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
