Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
