where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
