I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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