I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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