Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
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