woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
