Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
