I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
