Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
