I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
