just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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