would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Boobs speak an international language.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
