You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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