I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
