apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Bring me that man meat
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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