i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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