So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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