I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
