After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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