I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
