I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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