His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
