The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so let's talk penis.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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