I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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