bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
