Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
