I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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