I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
