Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
