he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
