I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
