i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
