I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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