I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
