Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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