the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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