I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
