that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
