gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
