Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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