Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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