soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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