dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
