Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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