bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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