So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
